Therapy

I decided that I was going to use this blog as a haven. A place I can come and vent and share my feelings. It is so hard right now and I am trying to maintain my composure because the children don't know anything and for Andy.

Last night we went to dinner with Craig and Kelly. It was great time, but I felt so cheated and like I was cheating also. I know that doesn't make sense but I will try to explain. I took every moment to watch Andy like a thief in the night. I watched as he walked, and laughed and talked. Watched his every move, how he talks with his hands or how he throws his head back when laughs, or like when he rubs his belly after eating and said, "I think I felt the baby kick." I feel like I have to remember these moments and keep these precious memories as not to forget.

I just feel an overwhelming feel of dread. Some would say I'm over reacting, but how do you react when your told that your other part of yourself probably has cancer. I am a ball of emotions, stealing each moment I can and yet crying and wiping tears away when no one is looking. Driving down the road in dark, laying in bed with my back to him. Like a thief this lump has stolen my future. All I have at the moment is waiting, and waiting for any uncertainty.

I can say I am grateful for the researchers that created XANAX, without it I would be a puddle all the time. It helps to calm the anxiety and breathlessness I feel all the time.

Well it's time for me to get a shower, and then off to Church. I think I am going to ask to speak to the Bishop. I need some counseling on what I'm feeling and maybe he can give me some words of wisdom.

If this lump comes back benign, you can bet your last breath I will not take for granted the time I have with my love, my greatest achievement, my other half, literally.......