Ramblings of a wild woman.....

I have written several post, and deleted them before I could post them. Not sure what it really is I want to write, or maybe what I should feel. Yesterday was a bad day. I was fussing with Andy's doctors nurse about blood work and going between them and the surgeon and etc. One wasn't listening and the other was playing I don't know what! Needless to say I broke down, screaming and carrying on like a mad woman, on the edge of despair. I'm sure I scared Kelly, but she was a rock and put up with my tantrum and just kept her composure. That's Kelly cool, calm and collected under pressure lol!

Have you ever felt Deja vu, Karma, premonition or what ever you want to call it?
I believe in all of this, I believe if we listen hard enough that we are being watched over, helped or what ever you might call it. I told Kelly last spring the spirit was telling me to make am mends with my father by summers end. I ignored it and he had a stroke in the fall. I have been able to visit him and make some am mends, but I should of headed the warning sooner. This is where my fear is coming from, I feel no comfort with this with Andy. That is what is scaring the HELL out of me. I want to stay positive, I want to be strong for my husband and my children but I don't know if I am capable of it. I know it is early, but because if this feeling , this sinking feeling I have I can't shake it.

Kelly suggested a blessing for me and I told her I didn't want one. I don't deserve one and I don't want to take the blessings away from the person who needs it most. I don't want to be selfish by asking for so much for me. I have begged and pleased with Heavenly Father to heal my husband. To keep him healthy, to take what ever this is away. If I ask for one more thing, I feel that I am asking for to much. All that matters is Andy is healed and this biopsy comes back benign. I'm also very angry right now, mad as hell. I don't know who it's directed at more, Andy for ignoring things, me for not making sure things were taken care of when I noticed the changes in him or the fact he has worked so hard his whole life to make sure his children had what they needed that he has missed so much himself.

I noticed a year ago he was slowing down dramatically. I ket asking him, and he pushed it off as aging. Then last fall when the headaches started and his weakness I took him to a doctor and they couldn't find anything, or maybe it was the fact they were not diligent. This spring he started with nose bleeds. Not many but a few, and he put it off as sinus issues. He has also lost 10 lbs since christmas. You add this up and now you see my fears. Yes it can all be explained away but does that change it? No....